Dangerous Side of ME

For the past few months everything in me is changing . everything in me is declining, everything in me is wrong. Why? What is happening to me?

As I remember December 2016 I am fine, I am what Lord wants me to be . I am who I am as He sees me.

There was a time that I was sick for almost one week. And that time was my last session in Kairos ( a course knowing GOD ). I am very sick. So, it happened I never attended my last session in kairos. Those are the time that I am very physically down.

And the next week came, I was so busy with my thesis ( research study ). I am always lack of sleep because of busy doing those research even my personal hygiene I forgot sometimes to take. (like bathing, toothbrushing, ect ) With the worry thoughts that what if I can’t passed this research and we’ve gonna get an incomplete remarks in our major subject. ( anyway, in our research we are 3 members of it ). And the time, I am very worried. Always crying and thinking about to give up. But I think about my groupmates what if I gave up ? what would happened to them? So, while continuing doing research even if its Christmas vacation ( eventually, I never felt that its already vacation ). We’ve done a lot of it. Sacrificing to go home in our family for vacation. Still we continue to do those research until yeah! We got those high grades by January 2017.  But our research study is not yet done its still lack of one requirement and we need to insert it into our study.

And while doing that research , I am very busy also chatting with foreigners (sorry! I do like foreign men) , meeting new people, chatting new people and yeah some of them, they want marriage . they want video sex but oppss! I never go with that people. Well, I met few friends out of it.

 

And by, February 2017. I went to the Northern Mindanao for on the job training . ( on-the-job training is one of the requirements for a graduating students or in other term it is a practicum ). Which is very far from our university.

Well, I am so busy finding  a food industry company where to take my OJT. Doing some research and making some requirements. Well, thanks God. I’ve found one food industry.

And then, by the next day, I found a house near at the company where I am going to take my OJT. As I remembered , as I sat down that time, there’s a guy messaged me at my Facebook. I never knew him. And we have different in nationality. But where friends on facebook. Hmmm!

 

But oppsss! While my ojt is on going I never chatted those foreign friends of mine for almost  two months because my laptop is not with me ( my skype app is on my laptop ).

As the days goes by, that someone message me on facebook our conversation went into deeper until such time we are exchanging those sweet words. But there’s time that I felt He rejected me. He never texted me for almost a week and so, I decided on my own to give up. After that week. He message me again. Until I found out that I am unfaithful to him. There’s one of my co-worker courted me (this happened in the week that he never contacted me) . We went two times eating at the outside. And for me that is for friends but that man wanted more from me. So, started that facebook guy blocked him for almost two days because I’ve felt ashamed of what I’ve done. Until then, we’ve deceided to stop communicating . and also that my co-worker I decided to stop communicating to him because I found out that his already a married man with one kid.

And then, March 2017 came from northern Mindanao and traveled back to south Mindanao. ( welcome! Back Juls! Welcome university L! Welcome back to your comfort zone! ).

 

Did you notice, I’ve never mentioned the name of GOD except in the first line? And that what was happened. I never know where I am path with. But I noticed I’ve done wrong. My relationship with GOD was slightly vanished. Everyday I am fighting. Everyday I am doing my devotional to Him but sadly, in every one week for devotional. I am doing it once or twice in a week or sometimes nothing.

I always cried what had happened to me. Where I am now.  I am broken. I am selfish. I am self-centered. I am a liar. I am unfaithful. I am a sinner.

 

Where is that JULPHA JEAN that GOD captured last 2015? Where is that woman now?

I was once lost and found by GOD last 2015. And now, what ? lost again? Or I am just  stubborn woman? A selfish woman ? or an unfaithful woman? L

In the middle of march, I opened again my laptop and there’s one of my foreign friend chatted me. and then, I replied until we ‘ve chatting everyday till today ( May 2017)..

 

I’ve tried to come back to my friends with bible study once a week.  I tried to be back with my devotional every day. But I failed again. I failed again. I am always fighting for this. I am always asking God’s help. Holy Spirit’s leading. But I don’t know huhuhu! L L L .

 

To define me:

I am a liar

I am a selfish

I am unfaithful

I am lazy

I am hypocrite

I am stubborn

I am dirty

I am self-centered

I am no one

I am nothing

I am just a woman who does not deserve to find a right man

I am a woman who is not meant to pursue by a man

I am fall in love always with a wrong man

I am a foolish

I am not a good woman

I am ugly

I am desiring those man who does not even loved me as much I’ve imagined

I am far from what they expect to me

I am a pretender

 

Sometimes, I felt down. Sometimes, I felt

jealous.

and as for this moments, we do have family problems. Even sometimes my relationship with my friends got affected.

My attitude got affected. My personality got affected. Even in every situation I easily got anger. I easily got upset. My trust easily got broken or shaken.

I don’t know where I am now.  So, help me GOD…………………… L

 

GOD KNOWS EVERYTHING I CAN’T HIDE FROM HIM

I AM JUST PUBLISHING THIS THINKING THAT NO ONE WILL READ THIS.

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