This is my other story.
Way back 2015, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior. As a graduating college student in 2017, my spiritual life got challenged, on top of all other struggles I had in the other aspects of my life. Consequently, my perspective changed after college. I felt pressured to find a stable job and a dream romantic relationship.
Oppss! Those were without God’s permission. I was really in a hurry of everything. I was lost again into the wilderness, until I found someone who caught my attention through online dating – still no permission from the Lord. I even failed to ask advise from any of my Christian friends and family.
Realizing that I have made unwise decisions, I started trying to go back to his presence, but I continued to lose my personal relationship with the Lord because the condemnation was really hunting me. I have poured out all my attention to this man whom I gave my heart, time, effort and all for almost 3 years.
This first week of August 2020, my guilt and my conscience kept knocking into my heart. I felt very uneasy, knowing in my heart that for a long time, I have done things that are not pleasing before God. My heart was really heavy. I couldn’t even do my work properly.
I was bothered.
I realized that there was something missing in my life. I needed the Lord because I was becoming a slave to sin. I keep on sinning and my guilt was really banging into my heart which lead to me being nervous all the time. I just couldn’t hold it anymore.
I started feeling the heaviness after my birthday last 20th of July. I knew there was something really wrong. I made wrong choices and I kept making it.
I finally called my cousin who was also a Christian and I underwent an admission. I was able to confess everything, and humbly and consciously accept my failure in keeping the Lord’s statutes. I couldn’t hold my tears. I kept on crying as I told my cousin everything about that happened to me in the past 3 years – including how I almost lost my relationship to my cousin. I knew that everything that happened were just so wrong.
And after my admission, I asked for God’s forgiveness. And as if he has always been waiting, I heard God’s voice saying that I needed to let go of the person who was occupying so much of my heart – someone that I valued dearly.
It was hard to accept but I knew I heard God’s voice. I kept on crying while pondering how I could possibly let go of this man whom I love dearly. I even got engaged to him and have planned to get married this year in September. I then knew that it was also God’s intervention to postpone the wedding because of the pandemic. I’ve always known God can use all things for His purpose.
To give you an idea, we are in a long distance relationship. We also had differences in culture and spiritual beliefs that he is not willing to compromise. Having a renewed relationship with the Lord, I myself was also no longer willing to compromise.
I used to keep asking advice on how could handle our relationship, and I am so very grateful that I didn’t hear any negative advice from my family. They respected my decision to stay in that relationship, trusting that we could handle it well. Nevertheless, I still personally know in my heart that I was struggling, especially that there were things that I really couldn’t give him because I knew it was wrong and we were miles away.
I continued to stay in that relationship for a week, while trying to rebuild my personal relationship with the Lord. We even had a fight because there were things we could never understand and there was also a language barrier.
Before, I chose to stay trying to fit in and understand everything but now, I can’t anymore. Seeing him, I know that he needs someone near him, because I can’t give him the care that he needs physically. He said he is fine but I see him struggling in our situation and it also hurts me.
So with God’s wisdom, I decided to let him go. Yes, I finally got the courage let him go last August 19, 2020. I heard God loud and clear and I was ready to follow Him.
As a Christian, marriage is sacred. Ephesians 4:2-3 says, “ With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace.” Our spirit cannot be united because we don’t share the same belief. We were not at peace, I was not at peace.
We needed to ask ourselves before entering into a relationship, “Are you the person you are willing to marry?” and my answer to myself was “No.” We both were not ready. We both have a lot to work on ourselves. We cannot put that responsibility on each other. It has to be between us, individually, and God. God’s words sounded simple, “break up”, “let him go” but it was never easy. It was very painful. It took all of me to let go of the man I love.
It was not as easy as putting a period, end a sentence, start with another and move on. He couldn’t accept it at first. He asked me if I could give him a chance and not to give up on us. He wanted us to grow together but I told him if he really wanted, we should have done it from the very beginning.
It is not only him who is hurting still. Even at this moment, while I am writing this, I can still feel the pain.
But God gave me strength and peace. It was because of God that I was able to push through. I am holding on to 2 Corinthians 12:9 which says, “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” We are both in pain right now but I will continue to pray that God will guide him and if God wills, God saves.
I am now in the process of continuing my personal relationship with the Lord.
I am very active in attending bible study with my group leader whom I prayed for and God gave to me. I am also attending the church online for me to grow and intercede, a ministry where my heart is.
Even if I am broken, God still uses me to connect to people. I know God wants to have a personal relationship with them too. Now, I am a bit busy doing group meeting once a week online, through phone calls, or by meeting physically with social distancing.
And this is what I learned: God’s kingdom must continue no matter what season we are going through. All that has happened in the past, I have surrendered them to God, and from now on, I pray that I may live a life that honors Him. The glory and honor is only for Him not mine.
Because I heard God’s voice and because of His grace, I am able to understand the process of obeying Him no matter what season I am going through. I am also now very happy and at peace continuing to pray for others.
I am now in the process of knowing the Lord more by studying His words for it is the bread of my life and soul.
- Julpha Jean Olinao –
Big thanks to:
Ate Debra Mae Regino
Kuya Levi Regino
Anna Kristine Obina
Ante Estela Boysillo
Uncle Pastor Eric Boysillo
and my family and friends in Christ.
Praise the Lord!